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Drain Bamaged

Plant Rants

7/14/05 04:51 pm - Vanishing Act

I work nights, so I'm not out in the sunlight much. Today I was wheeling across a parking lot to pick up some beer and doughnuts from the store. That was when I noticed it. I can see it even now, as I sit at the desk with subdued lighting. I wish I could stop looking, but it's still hard to accept. I keep flashing back to the parking lot. I was passing a group of people and fixed my sight on the ground. I saw the shadow of my wheelchair on the pavement. But I didn't see MY shadow. Just the chair. I experimented with different positions. Turned a complete 360 and... nothing. The wheelchair, with an invisible driver. In the store, I watched my wheelchair's shadow on the floor. I picked up a box of Count Chocula and waved it in front of boxes of Frankenberries. I could see the shadow it made, yet when I put my hand up to a box of Boo Berries "blocking" the light... nothing. People still see me, but light...? Light doesn't even know I'm there.

11/20/04 01:35 am - Crazy Talk

I have a bad habit of talking to myself. It's mostly because usually there's no one else to talk to, or no one else that will listen. But the other night, I said something I still haven't figured out yet. I had just gotten to work and was in the process of getting out of the car. A few miles away I could see an airplane. When I looked up at it, I said: "Hey, I know you." I don't think I really did know them. Not sure why my brain made my mouth say that. I'm kind of hoping it will get worse, and I'll start talking out loud about a drug dealer or pimp while they're within earshot. Something like: "Hey I know you. You're a criminal. I think as soon as I'm away from here, I will call the cops on you. Hope you don't figure out what I have planned and kill me." Or maybe I could get fired at work by thinking out loud in front of management: "I wonder if they wanted to grow up to be pricks when they were little?"

10/25/04 12:07 pm - My Dreams

There are times, when I will dream about someone special to me. Sometimes I'll even dream about a celebrity. But the dreams always end up the same... I'm in a room... the person comes in, (usually with someone else), they come up to me... hand me a coloring book and some crayons... and tell me to go sit in the corner. I don't really remember anything else about my dreams. I'm not even sure what the people are doing in my dreams. I always have my head down, trying to color within the lines.

8/24/04 01:25 pm - A true story

When I lived in the city, I used to travel the streets in my wheelchair late at night when there was no traffic. One night, a police car came up from behind me. The officer was concerned for my safety and asked how far I was going. I wanted him to fuck off, so I lied and pointed a half mile up the road to a convenience store. He said he would follow me to make sure I got there OK. He drove behind me with his squad car lights going, (no siren.) I wheeled quickly, wanting to be rid of him so I could get on with my nightly routine. Once I got to the store, he drove off, and I stayed a few minutes to make sure he was truly gone. I grabbed a drink and went up to the counter. The clerk had apparently been watching the whole scene from inside the store. He said it looked like the cop was chasing me and I was refusing to pull over. I wish I had a videotape of it.

6/13/04 04:05 pm - Undone

I've made a horrible mistake. I tried one of those Twinkies... it really was cream-filled sponge cake goodness... unfortunately, it has reacted with some of the ingredients that helped me in my metamorphosis from alienhouseplant to "human". I've tried a variety of household products to reverse the process. I've been able to slow my de-evolution with Draino, but it isn't stopping it. If anyone knows of an antidote for Twinkies, please let me know.

I've already lost my penis. If I lose my belly-button as well, I'll never be able to have sex again.

6/8/04 02:50 pm - A game we used to play on my homeworld

Signal to a friend that you wish to tell them a secret. When they lean in, get close to their ear, as if to whisper, and then sneeze.

I've heard there are several Earth variations on this prank. In one, the "whisperer" leans close, and screams instead of whispers. In another, they stick their tongue into the victim's ear. Yet another involves a "wet willie" -- sticking a moistened pinky into their ear canal.

We would never think of doing any of those things as a "joke" on my world. Screaming into someone's ear there would leave the person sterile, as the sex organ is located where the eardrum would be on a human. An inserted tongue would be the equivalent of oral sex. And putting a finger in someone's ear, male or female, results in pregnancy.

6/7/04 01:35 pm - I feel a little sad about the death of Dick

But the truth is.. he was psychotic. He had this annoying habit of adopting pairs of cats from the animal shelters, taking off his shoes and socks, covering his feet in K-Y Jelly, shoving his feet up the cat's butts, and walking around like they were a pair of fuzzy slippers.
I didn't like him.
I don't think he was a good person.

6/7/04 01:30 pm - It's loose!

My brother wasn't here when I got home. I called his work to see if he was still uneaten. He said he stayed at his girlfriend's place and let his friend Dick crash in his room last night. But there was no one here when I left for work last night. When I got home, I found a pair of vinyl boots with a nasty layer of funk on them. That was it. Dick and his car were gone.
And.. the chair isn't propped in front of the fridge anymore. I went past it quickly last night, but this morning I actually dared open it.

Please be on the lookout for a 1983 red Ford Mustang. License plate: TASTEEE (my brother's friend considered himself a ladies man)

Wear vinyl. Lots of vinyl.

6/6/04 06:32 am - That stuff in the refrigerator

There are a few items in my fridge that can't be accounted for.. no one remembers putting them there, or what they used to be when they were recognizable as a source of nourishment. There are 3 of them, and they look like they came straight out of a cartoon. One is in a bowl that doesn't match any I own. It's covered with aluminum foil. When I pulled back the foil to see what it was, the escaping gases sounded like snakes hissing. It's a greenish pink, doesn't appear to be a vegetable, and smells like clay smelled when you were young and smelling it for the first time. Clay and ear wax.
The second was in a tin can with no label covered with cellophane wrap. I didn't take the wrap off, but I could still smell it.. sort of a cross between wet dog hair and penguin farts. It looks like a body part that could have come from one of the Powerpuff Girls. (The green one.. Buttercup.) Again, although it's green, I'm sure it's not a vegetable because the only ones that get into this house are always accompanied by a fast food burger or sandwich and tacos.
The third item in the fridge still has me too shaken to speak about. I've wedged a chair against the refrigerator door. And I've closed and locked my bedroom door, and put my wheelchair upside down against it. I can still hear the fridge funk whispering though.

6/5/04 08:59 pm - Saturday night television

What a wasteland. Even in the Fall season, programs on Saturday nights are little better than infomercials. Do the networks think all of us have places to go and things to do on Saturdays? Or do they figure we're home because of a lack of money, and therefore arent't likely to patronize their advertsers services?

And have you ever noticed there aren't as many beer commercials on Saturday nights? It's as though the networks are afraid we might have forgotten it's Saturday, and if we see an ad for a nice, cold beer we'll say to ourselves: "hmmm, a beer would go down really nice right now, especially since there isn't a thing on tv. I think I'll go out."

I think the networks should spend the first 10 minutes of prime-time showing a scene from a bar.. any bar. Red-eyed, slurring, loud, staggering drunks, making clumsy sexual advances. Maybe end the visit with a camera shot inside the bathroom.. the sounds of vomiting while we see a pair of feet sticking, heels up, out from under one of the stalls. That should keep some people home.
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